this is the first in an occasional series where i review prepackaged, ready-to-eat “food” that is marketed to the office set as a lunchtime option. ratings are out of five desks (because that’s where i’m likely to eat it). more desks are better.

product: ronzoni bistro penne with chicken & broccoli.

the claim: “a delicious combination of penne with white chicken meat and broccoli in a light rosemary and garlic cream sauce.”

background: lured in by spiffy television advertising promising a luscious pasta meal, i picked up a single pouch of the vile concoction at the commissary yesterday. figured it couldn’t be as bad as some other nuked meals i’ve sampled. i was wrong. so very, very wrong.

overall rating: half a desk. (note to self: i should make an icon for that.) this stuff is disgusting. i’ve deleted several sentences multiple times in which i tried to explain just how nasty this stuff is. i can’t. trust me: you don’t want this anywhere near your mouth.

ease of preparation: four desks. i’d give it a five, but i was initially wary that the food pack would fall down during microwave rotation, spewing boiling hot alfredo sauce through the vent you rip in the top of the pouch. didn’t happen, which was good, because cleaning this out of the microwave would’ve sucked.

appearance: two desks. squished out of the pouch, it didn’t look all that bad. a bit on the sticky side, perhaps. but then i noticed i couldn’t distinguish between the pieces of chicken and the penne – the sauce was that gummy. it had flecks of things that may or may not have been herbs and seasonings. (from the ingredients: dehydrated vegetables – garlic, onion, red bell pepper, parsley.)

odor: one desk. “smells like barbecue sauce” according to a colleague. i’m at a loss to describe it, myself. week-old pizza and wallpaper glue, maybe.

texture: zero desks. stringy chicken, no broccoli of note, mushy penne. the sauce was the consistency of elmer’s glue. as it cooled, it congealed even further.

flavor: half a desk. it had a flavor. i desperately wish it hadn’t. somewhat reminiscent of dusty oregano mixed with… something really nasty. wallpaper paste comes to mind, if you were to make it with, well, the most disgusting stuff you could come up with, provided it was of the general white color. with salt. lots of it – a serving (one pouch) packs a walloping 820mg of sodium – 34% of your RDA.

quantity: two desks. it’s on the skimpy side for a lunch portion. (210 calories, if that means anything to anyone.) in this case, that was a blessing – any more, and i doubt i could’ve choked it down. also, i’m still hungry enough that i may go buy a second lunch downstairs at jack’s fresh. in addition to satisfying my hunger, it will also help get the disgusting taste out of my mouth.