if you liked pan’s labyrinth, you’ll probably love hellboy ii.

i didn’t like pan’s labyrinth - in between the exceedingly well-done, nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching scenes from the spanish civil war were long, boring, interminable bouts of really dull “magical” realism. don’t get me wrong - i like magical realism. of garcia marquez’ variety, anyway. del toro’s, OTOH, is a real snoozer. perhaps literally - there’s nothing in his movies that i haven’t seen in my dreams. (not my nightmares, mind you. those are usually terrifying hallucinations involving having forgotten my locker combination and not knowing where my next class is.)

so yeah, given i find del toro’s fantastical world of displaced-eye creatures (the funky eyes-in-hands creature from pan’s labyrinth becomes a funky eyes-in-wings creature in hellboy ii) and kitten-snacking trolls (did the old lady play poker with clem and spike?) completely boring, i was ready to leave hellboy ii about halfway through. the story is alternately incoherent and obvious, and filming action sequences really isn’t del toro’s forte. i totally lost interest in the movie. i started twittering. i considered filing my nails. i would’ve gone to sleep if the soundtrack hadn’t been so loud.

which isn’t to say i found it completely unredeemable. in the midst of tooth fairies, fish vendors, giant juggernauts, legless ogre smiths, forest elementals and big gold tick-tock men, what weirded me out the most was that the elf prince bore an uncanny resemblance to tom cruise. a crazed, albino tom cruise.

i can only hope del toro doesn’t write or direct the inevitable sequel.