indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull may be worth a matinee, but really should be a rental.

back when temple of doom came out, i had a poster-sized ad for the flick from the NYT up on my bedroom wall. (chill out, i was in eighth grade.) it was a shot of harrison ford in his archaeologist getup, shot from below, whip in one hand, fedora on head. “if adventure has a name, it’s indiana jones.” handsome, rough-and-ready, iconic.

this one? hmm. you could have a similar photo, only now it would read “if unfortunate sequel has a name, it’s indiana jones.”

i’m not going to bring out the geritol arguments, because old folks should be able to do whatever they want (or that their old bones will allow). but – likely due to the stars’ age – there were no rollicking escape sequences (the mad dash out of the caves from raiders, the casino shoot-em-up – or the mine shaft/roller coaster ride – from temple of doom, the “it should be in a museum!” boy scout chase with the late river phoenix from the last crusade).

what’s worse, the jokes were tired and more worn out than jones’ shoes (i’d say his fedora, but the one in crystal skull looked hat-box new), and the absence of denholm elliott was acutely felt. john hurt and cate blanchett were largely disposable – hurt’s talents underused and blanchett’s character, irina spalko, could have been played by anyone who could muster up a boris-and-natascha fake russian accent. and perhaps what made the flick drag the most, the character of george “mac” mchale, a poor stand-in for elliott’s marcus brody, brought along a cluttered backstory (apparently indy did some time in the oss) and forgettable, unnecessary plot devices that made the villains look stupider than necessary.

other than tying up the “whatever happened to marion ravenwood?” thread from raiders (you should be able to guess why shia labeouf plays a greaser who calls himself “mutt”), it’s a movie that never should have been made. the first three flicks came out in the 80s, within 9 years of each other, and this one, nearly twenty years down the road… uff. better to have done a labeouf-centered sequel with ford and allen as minor characters. but we’ve been spared that, i think, as in the final scene, ford snags his fedora out of labeouf’s hands before he can settle it on his ducktailed head.